During these last couple of days, I have been trying to figure out my situation. I have never before received so many phone calls and text messages in my life; all concerning the same thing.
I have discovered during these past days that everyone says the same things over and over and over again; making me wish I had an automated response installed on my phone. It’s funny actually, but I know it’s only because I am lucky enough to have many people around me who just, well, care.
A lot of people have told me they don’t know how I am able to keep myself together and keep such a positive attitude during this unfortunate traumatic event. It almost makes me angry when they tell me this, though; it’s not like I have a choice. Because trust me, if I did, I wouldn’t have chosen this. I don’t think people can understand how it feels to be losing a parent at such a young age unless well, you actually have. It’s not something you can imagine, which is okay because I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone to. However, if you are like me and this has or is happening to you, then you understand that you have no choice but to cope.
The only choice is to cope.
Now, I’m not saying I have the perfect way to cope; because I don’t. I’m not God, but I can tell you when you are dealing with something like me, you need to cope, or else you are going to end up making yourself sick. Coping, however, means it’s okay to cry, smash shit, and scream; do a shit of screaming, it helps trust me. I, like many in my situation, am angry, but that’s okay. It’s okay because I am coping with my situation and even though I tend to do my hardcore grieving in the privacy of my own home, letting it out only helps with the difficult process.
Coping with negative situations, traumatic or not, will help you feel normal again. It will take time, trust me, I’ve been slowly preparing myself for three years, and it’s going to be difficult for much more to come, but as time passes, coping with my situation will help life go on.
Right now, it feels as if I am in a strange state of mind. Blank stares have provided me with the ability to look over moments in my life with my mother; analyzing many good and bad memories that I will forever cherish. I know that whatever happens; I have no choice but to cope with it. But it’s going to be okay; remember everything’s going to be okay.
With Love,
Lex Paige
I love you, mom.
