Today is my birthday, and I am officially twenty-two years old…
Twenty-two years ago on this very day, I was welcomed into this wonderful world by the grace of God. Twenty-two years ago I was born on a Friday, weighed a mere eight pounds and six ounces, and had gums for teeth. Twenty-two years I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t do much of anything. There were no real worries in my life, not any memories yet to fade, and everything was nearly perfect those twenty-two years ago.
But now it’s twenty-two years later, and my life has certainly changed. That slate that was once empty has now gradually filled up with many things, both good and bad; each year growing in change. But, despite growing into my person and making memories of my own, some of those changes I had to endure and memories I had to make, well I often wish I wouldn’t have had to make them at all. Because today you see is not only my twenty-second birthday, but it is also my first birthday
I must celebrate without the woman who helped give me life; my mom.
Unfortunately, I am the first person out of my perfect little family to have to celebrate their birthday without having our mother/wife around this year, and let’s be blunt, it sucks..really sucks. It’s been nearly six months since my mom left her physical body here on earth, yet it feels like only yesterday; which makes it even worse; especially today.
To be honest, I used to love my birthday…yet this year, not so much. My favorite thing about birthdays was always the fact you always got one wish. I’m not quite sure who came up with the idea, about having one wish you couldn’t waste, well I’ve always found sort of refreshing. Unfortunately, the one thing I would wish for this year would never come true. I know you’re not supposed to tell anyone your wish (Rules are Rules) but even if I told you, I’m pretty positive it wouldn’t.
However, it’s okay. Because despite the fact my wish won’t come true right now (Unless someone’s got a time machine) I can still try and put a little joy into my special day; which my mom would have wanted me to do. And despite the fact, that my mother isn’t physically here and today doesn’t seem like my birthday at all, I know she is still with me. Funny enough, my mom used to tell me I always managed to make my birthday seem like a national holiday, which is why what happened to me this morning made me smile and cry with both a little sadness and some joy. See, I didn’t want to be alone today, and didn’t want to do much celebrating (Especially this year) so I asked work if I could take a few days off to come home. Thankfully they said yes, and I arrived here last night.
When I woke up this morning, the plan was to go to the beach: alone. Some people may not enjoy it, but it’s one of my favorite things to do. As I finally got to the beach and sat in my chair by the water, out of nowhere, a butterfly landed on me…like a sign from above. Well, like most emotionally unstable people, I began to laugh and cry at the same time. If you’re not familiar with power animals, in many native-based cultures, each animal was considered to bring messages from spirit; the butterfly being our loved ones that have passed. I guess my mom wanted me to know she was with me today on my national holiday, and that little butterfly was one of the best gifts of all. Seriously, it wouldn’t leave me alone the whole time I was there.
But after that happened, my birthday seemed to feel a little better. See, the hardest part about today is not having my family all together, and family is one of the most important things in my life and the main reason I wanted to come home. I wanted to be with my father, brother, and the rest of my imitative family because they are the people who truly know how I feel and share many of those same changes and memories I now have.
You know, after such a great loss, nothing ever really feels “normal” or like it used to anymore…but that doesn’t mean we all can’t make the best out of the unfortunate changes that happen in our lives. This is why I am grateful I can spend today with my loving father, brother, and family; all with my mother watching close by. Because they are my everything, and family is honestly the best present I could ever ask for today. Everyday.
All in all, today was and for the next however something years, will always be a bittersweet day. It will be a day I give a little extra loving to myself, but it is also a day to remember and thank my mother, father, and the rest of my family for all they have done for me. So with that, I will close this rather extensive article by saying thank you to everyone. Not for only reading this (If you did) or sending me birthday wishes (If you did) but mainly for loving and supporting me with all I do each day.
With Love,
Lex Paige
